This section on parents and children in 6:1-4 builds upon the doctrine of marriage in 5:22-33. Children are, after all, the product of a man and a woman – a marriage. So, children need a good understanding of the biblical roles of men and women in marriage, so that they in turn become healthy individuals by seeing the truth in action. If dad truly loves mum in the way God says he ought to , and if mom relates to dad in the way in which God says she ought to, then children will grow up with a healthy perspective and framework on marriage and relationships. They will have been coached well for life through a mentoring process without equal.
OUTLINE
1.
6:1-3 A child’s God-given
duty to their parents
2.
6:4 A
parent’s God –given duty to their
children
Children, do you recognize that you have God-given duties to
your parents? This text teaches you that
children are held accountable by God. The Bible says, “Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." A
child that grows up with a pattern of obedience, discipline, and a sense of
respect for their parents will become good marriage partners and respectful
persons that can make any other human relationship work. The word translated as obey[1] literally translates, “be under the authority (of your parents) and listen". The
Bible says furthermore that children must obey their parents in the Lord. Children should obey their
parents out of reverence for Christ (referring
back to
5: 21) … “for this is right “. Col.
3:20 (a parallel passage) adds, “for
this pleases the Lord“.
How do children truly show their reverence and respect for God? By obeying their parents! In fact, this is the greatest duty of a child. What reasons does Paul give that children are to obey their parents?
(i) 6:1 "…for this is right!" Because God says so in His Word. Paul takes us back to the foundational principles of God’s law - the 10 commandments (Exodus 20). Why are the commandments important? The Bible recognizes the fact of original sin! Children do not come into the world ready to obey. They are born with an inclination towards sin. Disobedience comes naturally. Obedience, by contrast does not come naturally. One has to learn obedience. Our model for parental love is God our Father Himself. Hebrews 12:6 teaches, "For the Lord disciplines the one he loves ...". Life in a fallen world requires parental discipline. Both, father and mother are involved in that process (Prov.1:8). Discipline, shunning evil, and right relationships are learned in childhood. Many warnings relate to children’s interactions with bad company (e.g. Prov. 1:10-19). The child in Proverbs 2 is s encouraged to replace ungodly habits with wise ways of living, a pattern which we have already observed in Eph. 4:22,23.
(ii) 6:2 Here Paul appeals to the moral law of God: “Honour your father and your mother..." (Ex. 20:12). The OT remains the foundation of our Bible. We are to honour our parents – literally “to hold them in reverence or awe”. In Matt. 15:1-6 Jesus applied this command also as supporting them when they are old and in need of care. There He was dealing with the scribes and Pharisees who abused their parents in this regard and withheld promised support for their parents. The same idea is found in 1 Tim 5:4, where it speaks of putting one’s religion into practice, particularly where one has needy parents or grandparents. We are to honour our parents throughout their lifetime (cf. 1 Tim 5:4;8). Let’s face it. Good parents live sacrificially and give everything they have to supply their children’s needs. The other side of the coin is that parents should be taken care of, when they can no longer meet their own needs. This is surely God’s way of producing families that stick together, teaching each generation the important principle of unselfish love. In the OT (Exodus 21:15,17) a rebellious child was put to death. The OT recognized that such a child was a rebel against God and ultimately a destructive and subversive influence upon society.
How does this apply to N.T. parents who live under grace and not under law? They are not excused from ignoring their children’s rebellion. Grace teaches us that we must pray for our children, and to discipline them with great wisdom – and sometimes with tears and great firmness. Grace also teaches us that we must leave the ultimate judgement of a rebellious child to the Lord. Remember that God’s ultimate judgements are far more terrible than ours! Many Christian parents think that grace means to overlook a child’s rebellion. Did God’s grace to you mean that He overlooked your transgression? Certainly not! In order to forgive you God substituted the punishment due to you on the cross, where Jesus bore our sins. Grace is based on costly love. Parental discipline may be costly. So, children it is not right to disobey your parents – unless it is very clear that your parents are commanding you to do things that are contrary to the will of God. We are going to deal with that in our next section.
(iii) 6:3 Commandment and promise : “this is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land...". The promise extends to the quality (that it may go well with you) and quantity (living out of the full time God has allotted to us – not only here on earth, but also in heaven.
SUMMARY: This commandment needs to be taken
seriously by children. Keeping of this commandment has positive rewards. Failure
to do so incurs God’s wrath. The discipline that our parents administer to us
is mild in comparison to a disobedient child who will not inherit the kingdom
of heaven. They will suffer eternal punishment. In 2 Tim 3:2 the godlessness of the last days is associated with disobedience
to parents. Children must learn to flee to Christ for salvation, since they are
under the same judgement as their parents .
2. 6:4
A Parent’s God – given duty to
their children
“Fathers, do not provoke
(exasperate) your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and
instruction of the Lord“
The education of the child essentially starts with how a husband
relates to his wife. The best way to be a good father to your children is to be
a good husband to their mother. How can the children learn to be obedient, if
the parents aren't obedient? Apply this to the spiritual realm: How will
children learn to be obedient to God, if their parents are disobedient to God?
God has ordained that God-fearing parents should be the mentors of their
children. God entrusts children to parents and not to nannies and grannies!
The question that comes immediately to mind is this. Why does Paul address the fathers? The answer
is simple. The father is the representative head of the home. In addressing the
fathers the Bible addresses the one who is ultimately responsible in the home.
When Eve sinned in the garden, God called Adam to account! This is also entirely
consistent with the rest of Scripture. In 1
Tim 3:4-5 the Bible says that an elder - the husband must ‘manage his own household well, and
see to it that his children obey him with proper respect … “. In Deuteronomy 6 the same duty is
enjoined upon fathers as the
leaders of their household. This does not mean that mothers have nothing to do
with discipline in the home. In Proverbs 1 we see that mom and dad are
responsible for the teaching and discipline of their children. But the buck
stops with dad.
Parents (fathers in particular) are called not to provoke their children to anger[2]. In the parallel passage in Col. 3:21 we read, “Fathers do not provoke your children lest they become discouraged”. Fathers must take the lead in seeing that this does not happen. This is easier said than done. Show me a parent who says that they are free of this temptation, and I'll show you a parent in deep denial. Parenting is an extremely humbling experience. Having said that there are ways of exasperating children : i.e. through inconsistent discipline, under-discipline and over discipline.
(i) Inconsistent discipline: Rules that are announced only after a child has broken them; by threatening that does not get applied; by applying rules that are constantly changed; through rules that are only enforced under a parent’s anger.
(ii) Under-discipline: Children need boundaries and parents must give them clear boundaries. When there are no boundaries and the discipline is not consistently applied, the children will eventually just give up.
(iii) Over-discipline: The problem of being too severe. The punishment must fit the crime; Our homes are not a boot-camp where a rigid regimen is kept; where shouting is the order of the day; where parents constantly say “no!” to everything ; who never encourage the children or to show appreciation for what they do; who appear to be faultless, who never say sorry. In this regard children need to sometimes see how mom and dad settle differences among themselves.
How are parents to bring up their children?
“… bring them up in the discipline/ training and instruction of the Lord“. Our real authority for their training is
of the Lord. The word used here for ‘discipline’ (Gk. paideia) means training with structure. It envisages
patient, persistent training until a right way of life is produced in the
child. The second word, translated as instruction (Gk nouthesia) means counselling with a view to correction. The first word has to do with external discipline (i.e. structures),
the second word deals with inward
disciplines – the heart, issues such as
growth in personal convictions.
The goal of parental discipline and nurture
The goal of disciplining and nurturing and instructing our children is ultimately for
the glory of God. Parents must not use
their children to make them feel good. Parents must not live out their unfulfilled dreams through their children. That would be idolatry. Parents must
teach their children to love God and to worship Him alone.
Here are some ways in which you can nurture, instruct and discipline your children
- Show your children something great to live for–things that really matter (sport is a poor substitute). Make God relevant in all aspects of their lives. Make the Bible the most important book in their lives. Teach them to remember the words of John Bunyan: “This book will keep you from sin, or sin will keep you from this book“.
- Show them the disciplines of balanced living: physical, emotional, spiritual.
- Teach them how to be wise in their use of material things.
- Show them the importance of church life, and the importance of keeping the Lord's day holy- it’s written in the same list as “honour your father and your mother”.
- Pray for your children and teach them to pray. Many have testified to the power of their fathers and their mother's prayers.
Parents that train
and discipline their children with godly love will reap a harvest in due time,
if they do not give up (Gal. 6:9). A child whose parents truly love
God, will be loved. Their
parent’s discipline will not be stern
and vindictive, but seasoned with grace and
always redemptive, and always
with this one purpose in mind: that the hearts of their children would
be taken captive for the glory of God alone!
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